A Foundation For Marriage... Good Choices

Marriage is built on choices.

A successful marriage is built on making good choices. Even if you have not always made the best choices in the past… maybe not the best choices leading up to marriage… the choices you make from this moment forward can work for you.

You can be confident you are making the right choices if you allow God’s word to guide you. It is time to leave the past in the rear view mirror of your life and move into a better future.

Ezekiel 18:21-23 you are not trapped in your past

Your marriage will improve when you start putting God’s word in practice. Yes, the project will move forward faster if both husband and wife are in agreement about God’s law and God’s love…. But even if your mate is not with you on this… one person can make a difference… and God expects you put His words into practice even if you are the only one.

1 Peter 3:1-2

Choice 1: Lifelong Commitment

Gen 2:24 says a man [and woman] shall cleave to his wife… [be joined NIV], [be united NLT], [hold fast ESV]… [dabaq = to stick with… like glue].

Lifelong commitment is a choice the husband and wife make. It is an agreement you make with one another… and with God. To stay faithful, loyal and exclusive. It’s a choice you make the day you get married… it’s a choice you make every day thereafter. “Whatever problems come our way I will stick with it and we will work it out”

It is not a choice built on feelings… emotions are always changing… sometimes they are hot… sometimes they are cold. What God is looking for, what He wants to build in you is not loyalty that comes in burst of enthusiasm… when it suits us… when its going our way. Even commitment that is there most of the time is not sufficient. God wants commitment that is there all the time.

This is why marriage vows contain phrases like… for richer, and poorer, in sickness and health… till death do us part.

God may allow events and circumstances that will challenge your commitment… you must make the choice to remain committed.

Choice 2: Love

Half the songs ever sung are about love… of the lack of it. It’s a thrill, a shot of adrenaline, and not having it can be just as emotional. But are we really singing about love? Or, is it desire?

God’s word reveals that love is a choice… furthermore, love a choice of what we do rather than how we feel. So, love is a choice rather than an emotion. The distinction is important.

An emotion is something that comes upon you through instinct, your reactions to stimuli [such as a hard charging Grizzly bear, or a woman with a pretty face]. Emotions are reactions that are hard wired into your DNA…fear, or sexual desire [which of those it is depends on whether or not you are another Grizzly bear or not].

Husbands are told to make the choice to love their wives Colossians 3:19. If love were not a matter of choice then it wouldn’t be a reasonable demand. God does not command husbands to feel about their wives a certain way.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 here is how husbands are instructed to love their wives. Patience is not an emotion it’s a choice, kindness and gentleness are not feelings they are decisions you make about how you will act or not act… especially in situations which are not going exactly your way.

This is the love God expects and instructs husbands to show towards their wives.

Godly Leadership

God is very clear that the husband in tasked with the responsibility of leadership in his family. To fulfill His commission you must make a deliberate choice to love… which means regulate the things you do… which we have just heard expanded upon in 1 Corinthians.

The model of leadership Jesus gave us is humility – an acceptance of the role God gave Him to fulfill and submission of himself to the guidelines of that role. So, Godly leadership in the family concerns itself with the needs of others: what will benefit the whole family, your wife and children, rather than satisfying your own self.

• How you spend your money
• How you spend your time

Good decisions based on love will leave your family feeling secure, and will make it easier for them to show respect.

Cultural Note: because many husbands have failed to live up to God’s standards of loving leadership our society concludes that the scriptural model for family roles is therefore flawed and we need to try out some new paradigms. But the problem is not with the model, the problem is with the people.

If we are truly followers of God we must continue to follow his instructions and accept his teaching on the marriage model. Our belief and practice regarding family roles is BIBLICAL not cultural.

Choice #3: Submission

Fear is an emotion. Fear is a natural or hardwired response to a threat. One does not choose to fear although one can choose what to fear, or to over-ride one fear with an even greater fear. Fear is the emotional motive of submission.

Submission is an action and it is a choice: to arrange your relationship with another putting yourself in subordination, to obey, to yield to the decision of the other in cases where there is no consensus or agreement.

You submit to another because you are afraid of what might happen if you don’t.

Ephesians 5:22-24 wives are told to submit themselves to their husbands. To do so is to submit to God.

Ephesians 5:33 wives are told to fear her husband. Why would a wife be told to FEAR her husband.

The word here is phobios [translated as revere or respect]. If the word had wanted to say respect or reverence it could have… there is a completely different word available that means that [timo]. Have we wallpapered over the meaning of scripture here? Let's read the verse as fear for today.

Men are rather scary… from the female perspective he’s bigger, stronger, and often driven by strange and violent passions. So, fearing a man and submitting to him seems like a natural reaction to a desire for self preservation. Much of human history [separated from God] has operated along these lines.

But if a man is converted by the spirit of God… he’s not going to be violent or abusive… he’s going to be gentle, patient, kind… why would anyone feel an instinctive fear of such a man [unless they were told to]… without fear why then would anyone feel a need to submit to such a man?

You submit to him because you have chosen to submit yourself to a higher authority… God the Creator. You fear him because you fear God who has the power to destroy body, soul and spirit permanently in the lake of fire. To fear God is the ultimate act of self-preservation.

As previously mentioned a natural fear is replaced by a greater fear, judgment from your Creator.

How Does Submission Work?

Willing acknowledgment of the husband’s role is the second key ingredient [after Godly love] for success in the Godly model for marriage and family.

That does not mean that he must make every decision. Many successfully divide household responsibilities according to their strengths and interests… the goal is to work together, discussing major decisions and priorities [submitting to one another].

Ephesians 5:21 the directive to work together is also motivated by fear of God [KJV].

If however, the husband elects to make the final judgment on whatever matter is in question then the wife should honor it.

Plenty of times the husband shows greater wisdom in deferring to the preferences of the wife, or children. Just because he has the right to make decisions doesn’t mean he should. So many decisions in life are really matters of taste, style, preference. A wise husband should be sensitive to the desires and preferences of the family… as long as they don’t violate family and/or Godly standards.

Submission is a choice… not a feeling. The wife must consciously decide to submit herself and use it as a guide for word and deed. Will she undermine with snarky words… will she usurp with workaround tactics? Will she focus on and admire his good qualities or focus on and despise his weaknesses?

Conflict & Communication

Using the guidelines of Godly love and Godly submission both husband and wife should regulate the words that come out of their mouths. Couples who’s communication is positive and encouraging are more likely to have a good relationship. Couples who’s words are negative and critical are more likely to have a poor relationship.

One set of stats I read showed that young couples who ended up staying together had fewer that 5 out of each 100 comments about one another that were critical. Young couples who later divorced had 10 or more critical comments out of every 100. What stuck me is… Its not a very wide margin is it? We are not talking about 50% or 30%.

We’ve all heard the pitch that arguing is healthy and natural… “its good to get it off your chest”, “get stuff out in the open”. Sometimes it touted as a proof of passion, “think of the great make-up sex”. But constant arguing is really an indicator of a marriage headed for trouble.

Passionate they may be… but arguments:

• lower the mutual respect necessary for success
• build up of resentment.

The biblical model for conflict resolution is: reconciliation and forgiveness… NOT impassioned arguments!

4 Principles to Apply To Conflict

Talk matters out – but regulate the way you talk.

• Proverbs 15:1 express you beliefs and concerns with kindness
• Don’t refuse to talk about or address matters
• Respect differences in your mate [personality, tastes]

Win-Win Solutions – total domination is not a good goal

• Look for solutions that are acceptable to both parties Philippians 2:4.
• Be willing to yield when choice or actions isn’t in conflict with God’s instructions Matt 5:9, 1 Corinthians 6:7

Forgive – Everyone makes mistakes.

• Forgive so that they will forgive you when you inevitably mess up. Also, so God might forgive you Matt 6:15
• Approach your mate in the right spirit, ask God to restore your attitude Psalm 51:10
• Don’t let negative emotions rule you! Act toward, and speak to, your mate with honor Your emotions will affect your actions… and your actions will affect your emotions.

Seek help

• If none of the previous 3 principles is working, ask for counseling Proverbs 4:7
• You may be doing things that you yourself are not even aware of

Working Together

Unity and harmony are God’s ideal for all relationships. You and your mate. You and your Creator.

Working together you and your mate can accomplish more that you would independently.!

Aquila & Priscilla – these two are a great biblical example of a husband and wife team.

• Acts 18:2-3 they both worked with Paul verse 18
• Acts 18:24 they helped Apollos understand
• 1 Corinthians 16:19 they provided a meeting place for the church in their home
• Romans 16:3-4 they were loved and respected for their work on behalf of the church

They saw the big picture… their marriage was an extension of God’s work in the world.

By working together their marriage was a blessing to the church and an example of that profound truth which is Christ and the church… which is His bride.

Choose to have a successful marriage.