Raising a Moral Child

Its common to begin a sermon about children and the family with a long list of terrible statistics about the decline of the family in the country and the terrible consequences we are experiencing.

Let’s skip all that and assume that you are convinced that our society’s experimentation with alternate forms of family, alternate theories of parenting have largely failed to bring us the happiness and satisfaction promised.

Let’s instead focus on what works…

Stay Married

If you are married do everything you can to stay that way. Children are designed to be raised by both a biological mother and a biological father in a single family unit. Male and female parents fill in different parts of the total education and development of both boys and girls.

·        Fathers  teach their sons about:  being a man, how to take responsibility, how to exercise leadership, how to treat a woman among other good things.

·        Fathers provide their daughters with appropriate masculine affection that:

o   gives them greater self confidence

o   reduces drive to find affection through premarital sex (because their love tank is already full)

·        Mothers tend to teach sons and daughters how to get along and respect the feelings of others

Raise Your Child Yourself Rather Than Sub-contract It Out

If both of you are working then you might want to ask yourselves… what can we do to re-arrange life so that one of us is always available at home? This may require sacrifice on both your parts… to forego some of the opportunities and adventures that you might take.

If you are wondering if sacrifices like that are worth it… please remember that successfully raising children is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT jobs you will ever have. Do whatever you can to avoid handing it over to someone else to do…

God’s first command was to go forth and be fruitful… to populate the earth. He greatly desires this… Malachi 2:15 but even more so He desires “Godly offspring”… (discuss godly offspring as beings molded and trained to have the character of God).

What About Peer Pressure

When talking about the effect other people’s influence has on kids we used to talk a lot about peer pressure, the effect of other kids on our kids… do we even use the phrase “peer pressure” anymore? It’s just another way of saying conforming to the group or the herd. It’s a natural part of human development… can’t really survive in the food chain without other humans. Together we rule the planet… alone we’re dinner.

But conforming to what other kids at school are doing is not really a factor until about age 7 or 8… by then the basic character traits are established… hopefully by you! Peers will mostly affect superficial things like dress, language, music… these things can be problematic but they are not core values.

You, as a parent, can be the one(s) with the most significant influence on your children. All you have to do is show up… simply be there. But you have to choose to do it.

Your influence can be good or bad… you also need to choose to influence them for the good… to point them in the direction of becoming Godly offspring.

You Must Be Willing to Be A Loving Authority Figure

That means you are in control, you set the agenda, you lead the troops… until they are trained and prepared to go forth into the dark and scary world.

Somewhere over the past 50 years we decided that a “better” way to parent… is to be your child’s best friend as well as being their parent. But you’re not commissioned to be your child’s buddy or pal. Your job is to provide necessary structure… establish boundaries of appropriate behavior… boundaries which not only give your child a sense of security… but lead to greater success in life. A more friend oriented relationship can come later on in life when they are fully trained and firmly established in their own lives.

Your parental role is to be “authoritative” … leading with confidence and providing instruction and direction. Note: a confident authoritative leader is not the same thing as an “authoritarian”… an authoritarian is one who demands and strictly enforces obedience to themselves (at the expense of the subject’s personal freedom and subsequent development of character). Authoritarians don’t cultivate the self directed godly character our Father in heaven is looking for…

But going in the exact opposite direction and being permissive with your children isn’t going to develop the godly offspring He seeks either. Your goal is to balance an understanding and responsive approach while at the same time demanding high standards of behavior and conduct.

You Are Commanded to Teach Your Children

Deut 6:6-7 the truth is to be in your heart (so you must prepare yourself) … then you are required to pass it along to your children. You are to pass along the understanding of God’s way and His character diligently… throughout the day… not just a sit down family bible study format... but part of your normal activities.

Gen 18:17 part of God’s praise for Abraham was how he raised his children

Proverbs 22:6 to become Godly people children need to be taught Godly values

God our Father gives us laws and disciplines us because He loves us… likewise we are to give our children “laws” or “rules” to live by because we love them and want their lives to be blessed, to have good and successful lives… but also that they might be that Godly offspring.

How To Teach?

Teaching begins with attitude? Do you care about how your teaching (or lack of teaching) affects them? Do you care that they are getting it… understanding it? Do you show them that you love them in other ways that make them receptive to instruction?

Jesus had a positive attitude towards children and showed them personal attention… He was not too busy… He did not consider himself too important.

Dealing With Frustration And Anger

We all get frustrated with our children at one time or another… but acting or speaking in frustration or anger is a bad idea. You usually end up saying words you bitterly regret… or doing something harmful. Catch yourself… count to 10… wait before responding… this takes effort on your part.

What kind of effort?

Patience / self control / gentleness … what are these fruits of? H.S. … which reminds us of the importance of our commission as parents… Parenting is not only for the well being of the children its part of YOUR spiritual growth.

If you hit your child in anger… bad things can happen. If you speak rash or harsh words to your child bad things can happen. For example: you might say something like “you’re just a mean kid”… when you say these words you are thinking of the words as related to the specific event… (Clarence hitting his sister)… but Clarence hears those words as a blanket statement about himself as a whole person.

If you tell Clarence he’s “no good” often enough… chances are Clarence will start believing you (that’s what children do). Worse yet Clarence may start acting accordingly.

First control your own emotions (anger). Then when you do comment about the bad behavior clearly express what the infraction was. Direct your anger towards the infraction. Also explain what the biblical nature of the infraction was… keep it simple and brief.

Also, don’t only talk to your children when there’s trouble. For example: make sure to reinforce good behavior through praise and compliments, explain the biblical principle. Set up scenarios for this to happen… let them know in advance what the expectations are… then praise them when they do it.

Use And Abuse of Parental Authority

With so many ways to get it wrong it is tempting to say “maybe I’ll just resign… I don’t want to be in charge… I don’t want to be the authority figure… I don’t want the responsibility”. Pop culture tells you that all authority is bad, or at best highly suspect and dubious. Our heroes are the rebels, the ones who don’t play by the rules… Perhaps this is because of humanity’s tendency to abuse authority.

But authority is put in place by God for a purpose - Rom 13:1-4. The simple facts are that God has given humanity government and authority to keep us from spiraling toward moral and social chaos… but that’s another sermon (which I have already given).

Matt 20:25-28 but your authority is not to be modeled after what you see in the world. You are not to lord it over others but use authority to help and benefit them.

Ephesians 6:4 probably referring to authoritarian harshness… perhaps harsh words… perhaps harsh physical treatment.

The bible’s instruction on discipline is not a mandate for physical or verbal abuse. In fact you are warned against it… contrary to popular belief. Prov 11:29

Discipline

Discipline is actually a large concept encompassing… guidance / training / character development / punishment. For example: to make disciples is to teach discipline… to become a disciple is to practice discipline.

One of the key ways to teach discipline is through your personal example. Do you practice the godly principles you are teaching? Saying one thing and doing another looks bad on you but when you do it in God’s name it looks bad on Him. Rom 2:21-24

To set a good example also takes time. One of the silliest concepts I’ve heard is this idea that intense bursts of QUALITY TIME somehow make up for what is lacking in the relationship between the busy parent and their children. Don’t be fooled by this clever sounding falsehood.

Quality time is a real thing… those intense moments when you are really connecting… when your child opens up to you and you learn about their hopes, dreams and fears. But they cannot be scheduled… the only way to get to those shining moments of quality time… is through QUANTITY TIME… look for ways to do things together with your kids… fixing stuff around the house… making dinner together… sitting around shooting the breeze before bedtime… these are the moments that lead to quality time.

Punishment

Punishment is a way to begin teaching that actions have consequences.

There are many ways to punish: verbal correction, removal of privileges, restricting freedoms etc. The bible speaks quite plainly on the matter BUT does not sanction abuse.

·        Don’t use more punishment than required to achieve the needed result.

·        Don’t punish for childish mistakes… focus on attitude or disobediences. (spilled milk)

·        Don’t be too quick to swoop to rescue your child from the consequences of their actions

Example:  Clarence breaks a neighbor’s window while carelessly throwing rocks in the backyard… walk Clarence through the consequences… teach him to go the neighbor to apologize… teach him to offer restitution… 10 year old Clarence may be short on cash… so you may have to cover most of the actual cost…  but you could make a plan whereby Clarence can pay you back through extra chores for example.

This is a teaching opportunity for young Clarence. As a parent you can make good use of this small mistake made today to prevent far more serious mistakes made in the future.

Hebrews 12:5-11 God is a discipliner…

·        Done in love

·        Not a rejection of us as a person but so that we might grow in spiritual maturity

·        Produces respect

·        Produces good fruits of righteousness

Children are a great blessing… they have many wonderful attributes of wonder, openness, eagerness to learn… BUT they need guidance and instruction in a one-on-one setting that only parents can really provide.

Raising a child before God your Father is among your greatest responsibilities in this life. It has the potential for great rewards… some of those rewards are for them… and some of those rewards are for you.