Marriage Exposes The Real You!
Considering the time, the intensity, the intimacy… surely your
marriage will have a profound, if not defining, effect on your spiritual life. The
hours, days, years and decades of your marriage… or more to the point your
actions and attitudes within your marriage… will help shape and mold the
spiritual creation God is working in you.
For better… or for worse.
Marriage is a blessing God has given you that can bring you
much joy, contentment and satisfaction… or possibly daily mental, emotional and
physical struggle. Either way through marriage you will learn about yourself… but
also do something with what you learn… practice spiritual discipline… grow in
grace and knowledge and build a Godly mind.
This outlook on marriage isn’t always our default setting.
Even those who are spiritually minded there lingers a notion that marriage is a
worldly consolation. Meant for those who cannot handle real spirituality.
Supposedly, there is a higher state of spiritual discipline… a person totally
devoted to God… with no attachments… no worldly cares… truly seeking first the kingdom of God… renouncing
marriage, family, passions and positions.
This concept of holiness is familiar to western culture and
non-western cultures alike… monks, nuns, gurus, holymen, and more… renunciation
of marriage and family life allowing more time for prayer, fasting, study and
other good works etc.
Is this a better way? Is it a harder way? Or… Is it an
easier way?
Consider the challenges of marriage
I’m speaking here of a biblical marriage involving two
people (or perhaps only one) who take their covenant with God seriously, who
are trying to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit, and want to build the
fullness of Christ in themselves and their mate.
Consider the trials and tribulations of raising children…
the physical exhaustion of caring for them, the mental challenge of keeping
your head when everything within you wants of scream, or yell, or lose your
temper.
What about the emotional slights must be overlooked… the
tiny indignities, the unnoticed sacrifices… you could so easily ask “what for”…
are these not spiritual challenges… are they easy?
Matt 19:8-12 I
read these words of Jesus to mean if you cannot handle the commitment God
expects in the marriage covenant then don’t get married. If you can’t handle it
don’t go there.
Marriage isn’t for spiritual wimps.
Paul’s comments on Celibacy
·
I Cor 7:1
refers the preceding scenario… avoid sexual immorality get married.
·
1 Co 7:6 From my own knowledge (sungnoomeen) and not
as a command, I am saying this:
·
I Cor
7:10-11 toggles back and forth God’s command… my word (logos)
·
1
Corinthians 7:25 (Simple English
Version) About virgin girls. I don't have a command from the Lord , but I am
giving you what I know (gnome). I'm dependable; the Lord has given me mercy.
·
See also verse
40
Why does Paul offer his opinion in Corinth at this time?
I Cor 7:26-28 a
lot of what Paul says here is circumstantial…
·
marriages were mostly arranged often with little
control or say so in who you were
married to…
·
times were troubled for God’s people…
persecution etc.
·
Paul also clearly expected Christ to return
soon…
·
there was a lot of missionary type work that
needed to be done and could best be done by unmarried people.
It was good advice in Corinth in 52 A.D. but not
God’s intent and purpose for all people at all times. As we have noted… these
are not commands or instructions from God but good advice from a pastor to his
flock in a troubled town… at a troubled time. Advice like this might come
around again.. depending on circumstances… you never know.
My advice is that because of the immorality afoot in our
time people should get married
However, as Paul says multiple times in multiple ways
celibacy is a totally legitimate walk with God… and so is marriage. Both have
pros and cons. The important point is to take your physical state and face its
particular spiritual challenges in a manner that results in positive spiritual
growth!
The Washing of The Word
I Cor 6:11 / Titus
3:5 / Rev 1:5 / Eph 5:25-27
Notice the phrase “washing with water through the word”. The
washing could be:
1.
cleansing or purification through the
application of the word of God in your life
2.
baptism… the death of the old person and the
rising in newness of life.
What’s interesting is the idea of applying within marriage. The
work that Christ is doing in the church making it holy, and clean is somehow a
model for a work that can (and possibly should) take place within a marriage…
·
A Christ-like husband who loves his wife will
want to see her grow in pure Godly character more than beauty, outward
appearance, or status…
·
A Christ-like wife who loves her husband will
want to see him grow as that new man in Godly character more than wealth,
power, or comfort
Are You Responsible for Changing Your Spouse?
Is it your job to call out their character flaws, and draw sound
the alarm when you spouse falls short of the glory of God or the fullness of
Christ? My answer is: rarely yes, mostly no.
Within marriage the work of washing is spoken of as through
the word. So… you should both work to have God’s word in your heart and mind as
a foundation and basis for right behavior and attitudes (and the husband does
bear an extra level of responsibility to make sure this happens). Then you must
each have the power of God’s Holy Spirit to provide the conviction that it’s
the right thing to do, courage to do it, and the commitment to stick with it.
Using Your Marriage As a Mirror
When you were dating I guarantee that you checked yourself
out in a mirror before stepping out in public… keenly aware of every facial
blemish or hair out of place. You wanted to be at your best for that other
person who you love… and who you hoped would love you. But a lot of that
superficial anxiety goes away once you are actually married (perhaps too much).
Yet, the mirror effect doesn’t go away… it just works differently.
Sharing a bed, a shower, a kitchen sink, a couch, a TV, a
credit card, a bank account, means you… all
your habits, your self-indulgences, your attitudes are on display all the time.
Spiritual growth come
when your marriage forces you to see yourself as someone else sees you.
Faults, flaws and sins seem more… explainable… reasonable…
justified when only I know about it. But when I am forced into the position of
considering my failings, shortcomings and sin through the eyes of another
(especially someone who has the same word of truth that I do) … that’s hard.
And marriage, because of its intimate nature, has the potential to drill down
deep into who you really are.
But, as a person led by God’s HS and guided by His word this
can lead to positive change… recognition of character flaws you might have
explained away… identification of ways you fall short of the fullness of Christ.
Do I Want to Be Confronted With My Sins? Psalm 139:23-24
Scenario 1 – You
could say to your mate: What weaknesses and character flaws do you see in me?
Help me I want to change. Wow that would be a very intense and potentially
painful discussion. The resistance to following such a scenario is powerful. If
we start digging in like that would my husband still love me… would my wife
still respect me… would they abandon me? I’m comfortable having that discussion
with God my Father… but with my marriage partner?
Scenario 2 – a
more likely scenario is that your marriage partner finds a gentle way to bring
it to your attention… patiently waiting for you to recognize what going on.
Notice that we are talking about the fruits of the spirit at work here:
gentleness, patience, faithfulness. These are some good examples of how you can
help your partner with that washing of the word we spoke about earlier Gal 6:1
The Natural Response To Sin is to Try to Hide
Gen 3:7-8 when sin enters the picture… they begin to
hide themselves from each other.
Do you hide from your wife or your husband? Hiding out at
work, encased behind a protective wall of hobbies or mindless entertainment… Or
do you actively use your marriage as a tool for spiritual growth? An
opportunity for self examination?
What is a Good Response When Seeing Yourself as Your Mate Sees You?
Humility – the
intimacy of marriage almost guarantees that your deep seated issues, vanities,
moral shortcuts, your appetites, your selfishness are going to show themselves…
and hopefully with God’s word in your heart and mind… you will see it yourself.
They may never be called out… your mate may never mention them but just keep loving
you with patience, gentleness, faithfulness etc. But they know… and you know
that they know… your mate has access to
that same word of God… even if they are not a believer they know an ungodly
attitude when they see it … this is humbling and must be accepted / not fought.
Change – do not
run and hide. Use it as a powerful motivator to repent
What is a Bad Response When Seeing Yourself as Your Mate Sees You?
Ignore - The
revealing of the real you is inevitable. You can use it as a tool for spiritual
growth or not. If you choose to do nothing… if you choose not to respond in
humility and change then you run the risk of searing your conscience and you
will pay a price for that.
Resentment –
somehow when another person knows something about you there is the potential
for you to fear that they will try to hurt you with this knowledge… that can
lead to self defense mechanisms to kick in… anger, quarrels, bitterness… accusations,
blame…. This is dangerous territory because it can lead to dissatisfaction…
which can lead to sexual sin.
What about when the shoe is on the other foot?
Possessing knowledge of another person’s intimate details is
powerful. It can be used in all sorts of bad ways… to intimidate, to humiliate.
For example: to throw their sins back in their face when defending yourself
(because your flaws have a way coming out too)… Well I might … but at least I
don’t …
Rather use it to lovingly lead them into the fullness of
Christ. But again, not by calling out… but by gentleness, patience. And
faithfulness.
1 Peter 3:1-2 if
for the unbelieving mate then how much more for the fellow believer!
Commitment
When your selfish and/or sinful attitudes are exposed it can
lead to an unpleasant self awareness… seeing
yourself as another would see you. You might want to escape from
marriage. Maybe you fantasize with the idea of starting over with someone new.
If you are committed to God’s way divorce is not an option.
You cannot simply swap out a new spouse for a new one. But. you can swap in a
new you.
A mature disciple of Christ focuses on being a better
husband rather than dwelling on having a better wife… being a better wife
rather than having a better husband. A disciple of Christ gets their
fulfillment in living faithfully before God… not from being around another
person that make them feel good.
Marriage is a holy relationship ordained by God. It is the
most enduring, most intense, most intimate relationship you’ll ever have. It
has a tremendous effect upon the spiritual outcome of your life… you eternal
life. Its not the only way… but it’s the way God intended.
You can use your marriage as a way to grow in grace and
knowledge and the fullness of Christ… or you can ignor and abuse it. Like
everything else God is doing with you it’s your choice.
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